My black dog

                     Image credit: Matthew Johnstone 

Depression is often referred to as a black dog. Imagine a black Labrador lying on your chest so you can't get out of bed. Or the same dog pulling on its lead and preventing you from leaving the house. This gives you some idea of what depression is like for me. There are over forty different symptoms of depression, but some of those that I personally experience are being unable to get out of bed, feeling really tired, sleeping a lot, not wanting to socialise, not showering, feeling worthless, and losing the will to live. I have never attempted suicide or made any serious plans before, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind.

There is a difference between feeling down and having clinical depression, in which symptoms have to last two weeks or more. Depression is an illness, like diabetes, and not something that you can just 'snap out of'. It requires treatment, which can come in several different forms, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication. I was on antidepressants on and off for years, but unfortunately antidepressants are actually a very bad idea for someone with bipolar disorder, as they can make them manic. It makes sense if you think about it; antidepressants lift your mood, (I'll get into the science of this another time) but lift the mood of someone with bipolar disorder too much and they become manic. This is why antidepressants are not used to treat bipolar disorder, or at least not unless in combination with mood stabilisers, but more on that later.

All this to say that depression can be a stand alone (unipolar) illness, or part of bipolar disorder, but either way it's a shitty thing to go through and it is important to get treatment. If you do think that you might have depression, please reach out to your GP. It is important to get help and not to go through this alone.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call a hotline such as the Samaritans in the UK or SOS Amitié in France.

Poems

I will let these speak for themselves.

The roller coaster 

Most people roll along at an even pace
With a few occasional dips and bumps and sometimes singing crescendos:
A wedding, a birth
And sometimes devastating lows :
A loss, a death
But my life is a constant roller coaster
I am always going up or down
Bubbly barrel rolls
Or terrifying falls that leave me screaming, panting, feeling out of control.
Sometimes the downward tilt is so gradual that I don't even realize until I'm submerged in the water underneath and I
can't
breathe.
Unlike a roller coaster, the descents are never fun,
It is the climbing highs that spark joy but sometimes
too
much
And the sparks ignite a fire
And the rails are burning.
Sometimes I wish for a steady train ride like other people
But wonder if I'd miss the dazzling heights
The medication is a seat belt
Holding me in so I don't go flying and
Crumple
to
the
ground.
Sometimes it's too tight, uncomfortable
And I long for sailing heights among the stars
But with the stars come clouds
And with the clouds come rain
And I am wet and miserable, or numb from the cold.
So I dry myself with a fluffy towel
And try to take care of myself
To predict the highs and lows and
Put on
The brakes.
To wear a waterproof jacket to protect me from the icy spray, and wrap around sunglasses for the burning stars.


Self care.
Self.
Myself.
I care.
I am.
I will.

Riding the wave

Riding the wave.
It's thrilling;
A roller coaster that keeps going uP
Don't let it go down
And spiral
out of
control.
Channel the energy;
thrummmming from deep withiin.
Ants in my brain,
Buzzing bees,
Harness them}
Tiny bee harnesses}}}
Harni???
Let them pulll you to
Creative
Outpourings of
organisation
planning
lists
1.
2.3.
Enthusiasm
Passion
Dyyynamism
Energgy.
But. Be careful.
Beware the Jaberwock my son.
My daughter.
Do not feed it's hungry mouth
And look into its flaming eyes;
'All the better to see you with my dear'.
Shun that frumious Bandersnatch.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
You can chortle in your joy;
But be on guard []
Batten down the hatches  i - - - i
Close that stair gate XxX
Lest your mind come
tumbling
down
Followed by your
body.
Gird your wallet.
Zzzzip it up and swallow the key.
Put that debit card
on ice.
No
shopping 'till you're
Dropping.
Your bank account will feel it later
And weep red tears.
Et voila:
Ride the wave;
But beware of sharks.

A tightrope walker being pulled up by balloons and pulled down by leaded weights
Dancing on the backs of sharks
And being pulled down by seaweed

One side of my brain is lying down
The other is jumping up
The two sides meet
Crash
My
H
E
A
D

Nurture oneself

No, it's too hard, I can't say it.
N-n-n-n-no.
Enn Oh
No-o-o-o-o
I self eface
Wipe across the steamy mirror
Am I still there?
Say it
Tongue flicking off the bottom of your mouth
Giving it the bird
What? Life
Them
The constant demands
Physical
Emotional
Work
Family
Weigh
ing
You
DOWN.
You need to stop.
Say it.
Say it with me.
No. NO.
Nuture yourself.

This blinking illness.

Blink once, manic
Blink twice, depressed
Blinking bright lights manic
Blinking dark depressed
Blinking shimmy manic
Blinking curtain depressed
Blinking blinking blinking manic
Shut my eyes depressed
Eyes
open
and
stay
open.
Stable.
For now.

Being manic is like
Being drunk
Everything is very
Very fast
Very excited
Very energetic
Very loud
Very talkative
Very open
Very honest
Too honest
Then very slow
Very tired
So
L
e
t
h
a
r
g
i
c

Very everything

So what is bipolar disorder?

As some of you know, about six months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In fact I diagnosed myself, before having it confirmed by my psychiatrist, but that's another story.

So you may be wondering, what exactly is bipolar disorder? It's a mental illness that used to be called manic depression, where the person experiences periods of depression and periods of mania. You may well be familiar with depression. You probably have friends and family who have it. I myself was diagnosed with depression for ten years before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

So what about the mania side? What's that about? To answer this question I'm going to refer you to Jim Carrey's character in the film 'The Mask'.

When wearing the mask he is hyperactive, amorous, makes a lot of puns, talks very fast, is impulsive, grandiose, and cycles rapidly between emotions. These are all mania symptoms. In fact Jim Carrey himself has bipolar disorder, which permits him to be very authentic in his representations of other eccentric characters such as Ace Ventura and The Grinch.

Anyway, I'll come back to both depression and mania in more detail later, but to summarize, I suffer from extreme mood swings. These are not your regular mood swings though, they only affect 1-2% of the population and can be lethal, with an shocking 20% of people suffering from bipolar disorder dying from suicide. Not to worry though, I take medication and see a psychiatrist, and also do not do drugs or drink to excess, which means that I'm a lot more stable than most of the people who unfortunately die due to this condition. I am also educating myself about my illness by attending a weekly seminar on bipolar disorder which is in fact what motivated me to write this blog, and so I'm becoming more and more aware of what to look out for and when to seek help.

If you think that you might have bipolar disorder I encourage you to go and see your GP, as it is a treatable condition and you can greatly improve your quality of life by getting treated.

If you are feeling suicidal please call the Samaritans on 116 123 from the UK, or SOS Amitié on 01 42 96 26 26 from France.